Surviving the Holidays

I am not really looking forward to the holidays this year. I had so many things planned to do with Eleanor this season, and now that she's not here I just kind of want to skip it all together. It's a hard place to be when you are grieving a loss. Sometimes family and friends don't understand why you don't want to be with them. So guilt over takes you, because you feel like you should be with family for the holidays. You are grieving your loss; on top of that you are also grieving the loss of all of the dreams you had for your little one. I had so many dreams in my head to do with Eleanor over the holidays. I am a person who goes above and beyond (and makes things a little over kill). So you can only imagine the festivities I had planned for our little girl on Christmas. Imagine glitter, glitter, and more glitter, tutus, bows as big as her head, and flour everywhere from making Christmas cookies.

So here are some ideas to help with the holidays while a momma is grieving. (Everyone is different so these might be good ideas for some while others might not find them helpful)

1. We are not doing a family Christmas this year. Part of this is due to my husband working, but also I just cannot handle being around family this year. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY FAMILY. They are AMAZING and have been great through our grieving process. I just need the freedom to grieve on Christmas the way I feel like I need too. When I am around people I have the tendency to take care of their needs and make myself ok even if I am not. So being able to give myself the freedom to grieve the way I need to is important to me. Now next year might be totally different, but this year I felt like it just needed to be my husband and I. *****CLARIFICATION: Again I stress I love my family. We will be spending time with both of our families over the holidays just not on Christmas Day. I believe this is totally fine. It is important to me that my husband and I make our own time for each other since we are now one.

2. Stockings are my favorite thing to do on Christmas. For some reason that is what I remember most from Christmas's with my family. I was so excited to get Eleanor a stocking and fill it with little goodies. It really made me sad to think that I would not be able to do that. I was at Target (my second home) with my sweet friend, and we were walking in the Christmas section. I expressed how sad I was about not having a stocking for Eleanor. She asked me why I still wouldn't get one. I told her I just wouldn't know what I would put in it. She came up with the greatest idea. Why not write letters to Eleanor and have family and friends write them as well if they wanted too and we could read them on Christmas? Just my husband and I. My mind was blown. Yes, that is an amazing idea!! So we have stockings hung at our house now for everyone in our family... A, B, E, D (Diesel, the dog). I am so excited for this!! Even though Eleanor is not here it will be good to read how she has touched people's lives. Our little girl. (opportunity at the end of the blog post to write letters)

3. Mommas... Be ok if you do not want to do anything on Christmas. I think it's ok if you just need to be alone for the day. Sometimes you just need to cry and be on your own. Allow yourself to do that, and be ok. Don't feel guilty. Sometimes you need to allow yourself down time without trying to please other people or doing what other people think you should do. Do something for you. If you like movies watch Christmas movies while drinking hot chocolate (or coffee!).

4. One thing that people have told me they have done after a loss is to get an ornament for the Christmas tree. Maybe one with a picture of your little one, or just with their name and birthday. Something that will be a precious memory to you. Something that will make you smile when you see it.

5. The other thing that we will probably do is go visit Eleanor's grave. This is always a hard one for me. I like having a place we can go if we want to, but when I get there I do not really know what to do or say. My husband is great at this. He loves going. I love standing there listening to him talk to her. It makes my heart overflow with love for him.

To everyone out there who has a friend or family member who has lost a baby this year, just be there for that person however you can. If they want to be with you, then be with them. If they want space, then give them their space. Just let them know you are there for them and thinking of them through the holidays and let them make the next move. Don't feel offended if they don't reply or want to get together. Speaking from experience, it is just such a hard time of year. So many dreams have been shattered, and it is hard to put that into words to explain to someone.

So this holiday season is going to be a hard one to get through. I know we will get through it. The thing I am remembering most for the holiday season is this is when God sent Jesus to Earth. If God never would have sent Jesus to Earth, Jesus would not have died for our sins, and Eleanor would not be in Heaven right now. I would not have the amazing assurance that I will see my baby girl again. Even though yes, this holiday season is going to be hard, knowing that truth keeps me going.

P.S.

If anyone would like to write a letter to Eleanor or to us I would love to read them... You can click this link to email them hiddenjoysblog@gmail.com.