Things I Wish I did not have to Know

**DISCLAIMER... There is some medical information in here. I am not a doctor. If you have any medical questions please talk to your own doctor. I am not giving medical advise. Also this could be hard or graphic for some people to read if they have gone through a miscarriage or a loss.

There are a lot of things I did not know about while I was pregnant. I am a person who loves to read up on things and to be prepared. I read millions of articles on what to take to the hospital with you, how to parent, what to put in the diaper bag, what things you needed most for baby, and what was happening with my body. Never did I read anything about what I would have to go through if I lost my baby. Not that, that had ever crossed my mind during the pregnancy, but now that I know some of the things that happen maybe it would be helpful for someone who is going through the same thing.

There is a lot of information that is being thrown at you all at once. You are laying there in the hospital bed trying to take in the life changing information that the nurses just told you that your baby is dead, while they are asking you to make many, many decisions. Before they ask you all the questions they do give you sometime to be alone. This is when my husband called our family and close friends to let them know. If possible call someone who you trust and is close to you (that is not family) so they can be there to take in all of the questions and information that the nurses are talking to you about. That way they can write down the information and at a later date you can make some of the decisions that are not immediate.

Some of the questions that I got asked were did we want Eleanor's genetics sent in to be tested and if we wanted an autopsy. Did we want a social worker to come in and talk to us? Did we want a funeral? Did we want Eleanor to stay in the room with us? Did we want pictures taken? Did we want to do a vaginal birth or a cesarean? Did we want to go home and think about the decision? Did we want molds of her hands and feet? Did we want to see her being born in the surgery? Did my husband want to cut the cord? Did we have clothes picked out for her? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!

Another thing that I did not know that hospitals did if someone has a loss is they let the baby stay in the room with you, and you can hold your baby. (this could be different for different gestational age) This is one of the questions that I was leery about. Did I want to hold my dead baby? At first I did not think I wanted too. Once they put Eleanor in my husband's arms we did not let her go. For my husband and I this was probably one of the best decisions we made during our stay. I feel like it helped us have closure. Again do what you think is right for you and your situation.

Also I had to decide if I wanted pictures taken. I did not want this at first. I did not think I would want to remember that day. Thank God for our nurse who said they would take the pictures anyways and then put them in a box, and we could take them with us and look at them if we wanted. That way they were taken and if we wanted them 18 years down the road we would have them. So my advice to people going through this is to have the pictures taken so you can have them later on. This was the best decision that we made that day.

The social worker did come in to talk to us. She helped us figure out things for the funeral. Again that friend that you trust comes in handy at this point so they can write everything down for you. The social worker also gave us some handouts about different symptoms of depression and things like that. Also the social worker told us we do get a tax credit since we had a baby. Not that we were excited about this information , but this was something we did not know.

I asked the nurses if we would be able to donate Eleanor's organs. She said we were not able, too. I don't really know why, but I am assuming because she died in my belly and not on the outside. So if this is something that you would want to do, I would ask for your specific situation.

Another thing that I did not think about was my milk coming in. I do not know exactly at what gestational week this would happen for certain losses, but it did happen for mine (36 weeks). It came in I want to say a couple of days after I gave birth. It was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. Just be prepared for it to be emotionally unbearable. It was extremely emotional for me when my milk came in. It was just one more thing that I felt like I had failed at. What I did for the physical discomfort was to wear two tight sports bras, then wrapped with ace wraps. I also used ice packs, which helped a lot. Another thing I was told that peppermints help to dry up milk so I took those. Also I used Earth Mama Angel Baby No More Milk Tea. They both seemed to help. Another thing the nurses told me to do was to keep my breasts out of the hot water when I showered the best I could. For the emotional aspect of getting through it, I just cried it out and had my husband hold me.

I had a cesarean with Eleanor. With a cesarean you still have bleeding. Maybe not as much as with a vaginal birth, but to me it was a lot. Wearing depends instead of pads was a genius idea whoever of my friends told me to do that THANK YOU!!! Also other things with the surgery I did not know you cannot drive for so long because you are on pain medicine. There is also a weight limit on how much you can lift.

Once you are done at the hospital you have to go home. I did not know how to come home after such a horrible loss. Everything was set up in the house for our baby to come home with us. The car seat was in, the nursery all set up, and the pack and play set up in our room for her to sleep. Again that close friend you trust, see if they will go to your house before you go home so they can put things away for you so you do not have to see them when you come right home. If this is something you want. I did not want the the baby things out in the house so my friend put them away in the nursery for me with the door shut. So then my husband and I could see and go through the things when we felt like we were ready.

Lastly, give yourself grace through this time. My body had been through a major surgery and my mind and emotions had been through a major change as well. Give yourself time to grieve. Cry, cry a lot. Look at the pictures that they took at the hospital or the ultrasound pictures that you have if you want to. Sleep. Do things for you. LET PEOPLE SERVE YOU!!! Let them take care of you. I figured out through all of this that people do not know what to do or how to react when you lose a baby sometimes the only thing they know to do is to help. So let them. Plus you will be emotionally exhausted. I know I was. If you do not want people around then tell them. They will understand, like I said people do not know what to do in this situation so let them know. Also know that your spouse is grieving, too. They just had their world turned upside down as well. Everyone grieves in a different way. So give your spouse grace.

I hope that no one has to read this and use these things that I have learned from losing Eleanor. However, if you are reading this blog post and have gone through a loss, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart!!! Even though we both have had losses, they are still different. I only know my loss and how I am going through it. I only know some of what you are going through. Anytime someone tells me they have lost a baby, I always say I cannot imagine the pain they are going through. I only know my pain. Just know that I am here for you to talk too. To help you get through this season in your life. A person to just listen if you want to talk. Also know I am praying for you, and God is always there for you, too.