A Whole Bunch of Thoughts

I had every intention of going to a quiet coffee shop this morning and studying the Bible and writing an inspiring blog post today. My husband's back in Iowa for the Army, and so I pretty much have the weekend to myself. But then the pup is sick (he literally acts like a baby when he is sick), and I didn't really feel like putting pants or a bra on to go and grace the public with my presence.

So here I am writing with my lazy booty in bed with my own cup of Mississippi Grog and coconut milk (Whole 30 approved) and the pup sleeping at my feet. (Don't you love the coffee mug?? Ha ha ha get it??)

Usually I have a profound idea to write about, but I do not really have that today. I just have a ton of jumbled up thoughts in my mind. So I am just going to write about how my last few weeks have been going and see where that takes me.

As you all know it is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness month. (Post about that here) So Eleanor has been at the forefront of my mind I feel like even more then usual. Man I miss that little girl!! I have just been extremely sad and not really knowing why. Milestones are what really get me. My closest friends have had big milestones for their little ones recently. I am so overjoyed for them!!! I love their kiddos like they are my own, but it is still hard to watch those milestones when I know that I won't get that with Eleanor (at least not the way that I want it). I bet she will have an amazing first birthday party up in Heaven though. She'll have a million people and angels celebrating with her and probably the best smash cake ever.

Good old Facebook reminded me that a year ago today that my husband and I moved from Iowa to Missouri. Wow.... so many things have happened in this last year. Good, bad, and ugly things. Sometimes it amazes me that I am still standing. (Literally only by God's grace). We made the big decision to move down here for my husband's job. Literally we knew no one and nothing really about the area. It's kind of funny to look back and see how God works through every situation. I had come to Missouri for a swim camp when I was in middle or high school (so a long time ago). I loved it down here. I remember thinking to myself that I would love to live there. Never expecting it to ever happen. Fast forward 10 or so years and here we are today. God works... that's for sure. He has us right where he wants us. Sometimes I am not that happy where he has us. I can think of a million things that I want differently, or I feel like I have a better plan in mind than he does. I was recently reminded by my dear friend that we need to step back and look at the big picture. He has a plan for our lives, and it is the best plan. Something I would never even be able to imagine.

So connecting these two random thoughts together: missing my Eleanor and moving a year ago.... Neither of them did I ever see coming. Never in my wildest dreams.

Only God knew.

Only God could orchestrate these events to happen.

Only God could turn what I thought were tragedies into good.

Sometimes I still struggle with why this is God's plan. Why could I not have learned all this stuff in my comfort zone, back in Iowa with my family, holding my baby girl? Why wasn't that his plan? It is hard for me to admit this, but honestly I do not think I would have been seeking after God this hard or intentionally if I had everything I wanted. Like I said before I was in my COMFORT ZONE. Everything was good and perfect. Everything was in its place and where it was supposed to be. I was in my "box", and I had God in his "box". If I needed him he was there, but I was fine at the moment. I am not saying that God caused this. I finally have gotten to a point where I do not blame him for Eleanor's death or all the struggles I have been going through this year. I am saying that I needed to be woken up. Unfortunately for me I had to be shaken (hard) to figure out that I needed to be in God's "box" not my own doing it by myself. Being in God's "box" is the best, I am starting to realize. It's still hard. I still struggle every day with my flesh and wanting to control every little situation in my "box". I still struggle with letting go, but when I do let go I experience his grace. I experience PEACE for that moment.

6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 NLT

So I guess my jumbled up thoughts actually came together to be a pretty good blog post. I literally just came up with all of that while writing. It really is something that I struggle with daily. Trusting God and his plan; that it is good and that he does have a future for me. My most favorite verse that I have had spoken over me a million times as a little kid growing up is Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future."

What an amazing verse!!! This verse still rings true in my life. This verse is truth. This is the verse that I cling to when I think God has forgotten me or has no idea what he is doing. (also read Jeremiah 29:12-14 just amazing truths!!)

He does.

He has a good plan for my life.