Identity Crisis

At church our pastor is teaching through Nehemiah. Nehemiah isn’t a book I have ever thought about reading. After hearing the sermons, I know I should have read it a long time ago. This week’s sermon was about our identity. What our pastor was saying was a huge eye opener for me and definitely what I needed to hear. These are my thoughts...

I am a people pleaser. I find my identity in whatever anyone wants me to be. I will be whatever anyone needs me to be for them in that moment. Some people might think this is good or it makes me a really nice person (which to an extent, I guess, it does) but when you are whatever anyone needs you to be for so long, you begin to forget who you actually are. So my identity gets rocked all the time. I often do not know who I am. But the time my identity got rocked the worst was when I lost my baby. Not only did I lose my baby, but I also lost who I was.

All my life I wanted to be a momma. It was my biggest desire. I did not even want to go to college because I just wanted to be a stay at home mom. This is what I obsessed over. I would read articles about how to be a parent, I would look up baby items and make spreadsheets. I would save my money just so I would be able to stay at home with my kids in the future. It literally consumed my thinking every day. Eat, breath, sleep, think about having a baby, repeat.

When my husband and I finally got married and we were able to try to have kids, it is an understatement to say I WAS SO EXCITED!! My time had finally come to be a mom. My biggest desire. We started trying and every month I took the pregnancy test and every month it was negative. I was an emotional wreck. Literally bawling.... pretty much like a baby throwing a temper tantrum. (Admitting this to everyone is super embarrassing.) My relationship with God at this time was not strong. I was angry with him. He knew my deepest desires and knew how badly I wanted to be a mommy but he wasn’t allowing it. Why would he keep me from being a mom? I finally broke. I cried out to God and poured out my heart to him. And he answered my prayers. Fast forward eight months and we lost our baby girl. (Read about that here). Again my world was rocked. My identity shot. What was I going to do now? All of my hope up to this point was in being a mom. Now I had nothing. My whole life had been for nothing. All of the work I had done, all of the research I did to become a parent was now for nothing. Who was I? I had no idea. My whole identity was in being a mom. I had planned on being a mom. I honestly had no idea what I was going to do. I needed something to grasp onto because I was drowning. When Eleanor died that day, I died.

I had to find who I was. I had only two options: to keep going down the road to rock bottom or to start believing what God has said about me. My identity was so wrapped up in being a mom and myself that I was lost when that was taken from me. So I started asking. I started asking God who I am in Him and reading the Bible to see what He thought of me. Because what I thought of me was nothing. I did not think I was going to find anything. I was wrong. I found so much truth and exactly what I was looking for.

Isaiah 43:1 "But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you, O Israel, the one who formed you says, "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine." (emphasis mine). God created me. He formed me. He called me by name. (God knows my name!! He is the creator of the universe, and he knows me.). I am his. How amazing are those truths?!?!

Isaiah 43:4 "Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you." (emphasis mine). God says I am precious to him, and he loves me.

When I read those truths for the first time it hit me hard. I could not believe that he loves me that much. Why was I not finding my identity in this? Why wasn’t I resting in my identity of a God who loves me more than anything and thinks I am precious.

It is still hard for me to find my identity in God. Old habits die hard. But I am trying. Reciting these truths to myself every day and finding new truths is how I am going to find my true identity. You might not have the same identity crisis as me. Maybe your identity is in being a daughter, in you're job, in being a girlfriend or a wife, or being a student. These truths that I found in Christ for me are also true for you.

Yes, I am a momma, and you are a daughter, an employee, a girlfriend or wife, or a student, but more importantly... WE are precious daughters of God. I will learn to stand strong in who I am in Christ. WE are loved. WE are precious. And WE are His.