Eleanor's Birth Story

**DISCLAIMER.... This story might be graphic to some people. I do not want to offend anyone with this story. If you have lost a child or anyone near to your heart, this might be hard to read. Also it is long.

I am going to talk about Eleanor's birth story today. I love talking about her, because that is one of the ways I feel close to her. I only had eight months with her in my belly and then three days with her in the hospital. So I talk about them a lot!! One thing I always wanted to do when I was a parent was to show off my babies to people. I loved it in the old days when parents would pull out those embarrassing school pictures from their wallets and show everyone. I always thought I cannot wait to do that with my own kiddos. So since I do not have that with Eleanor, I love to share her birth story and the short time that I had with her.

The day before Eleanor was born it was just a normal day. My schedule was the same as any day. I had Connection Group (Bible study) that night and was feeling her move. I went home and was laying in bed counting her kicks. It felt like she was not moving as much as she usually did, but the doctor told me six movements in an hour and everything is good. And there were six kicks. Eleanor was a VERY active baby. She moved around all the time HUGE movements. One time so big she made me sick. She would wake me up at least once during the night from her moving. When I woke up at four am, and she had not woken me up yet I thought something was wrong. Earlier that week I had called in because she was not moving that much either. They said to lay there for an hour and drink water to see if she got active again. Of course she did so we just went about our business, but this time it was different. I laid there until five am, and I only felt her move three times. So I called the hospital. Since it was early they wanted me to eat and drink something and call them back in another hour. I did not feel her move anymore after that. My husband was working nights then so he did not get home until six am. Once he got home we went into the hospital..

At this point we still really did not think anything was wrong. I am a worrier. So we thought I was just being paranoid. The receptionist at the ER desk asked us if we needed a wheelchair. I laughed and said I was fine. We were joking about that all the way up to labor and delivery. We got checked in to our room. Still thinking that this is totally dumb of me to come into the hospital. I was sure everything was just fine. The nurse came into hook me up to the fetal monitor. She could not find a heart beat. I was not worried at this time. Since I do ultrasound, I know sometimes it is hard for them to find a heartbeat on a fetal monitor. So they brought in the ultrasound to look. There on the screen..... Her heart was not beating. That is when I knew. Our baby was dead. I was eight months pregnant (35 weeks, 6 days).

From there I do not remember much. I remember the nurses trying to comfort me. I kept telling them I was fine through tears. Finally they left the room, and that is when I lost it. My husband and I had just lost the one thing we loved more then ourselves. More than life itself. I had prayed my whole life to be a mommy, and it was suddenly taken from me. My husband and I had been trying for six months to get pregnant and we finally did. Now we had lost our baby girl. I was angry, hurt, and confused. (More about how I am dealing with that to come)

So from there the doctor came in and told us our options. It was surreal. They were talking about delivering our baby and then planning her funeral in the same sentence. Do not get me wrong, the nurses and doctors that we had were absolutely amazing!!! It was just a crazy thing to talk about life and death in the same sentence. We decided to do a c-section that day, because she was breech. Also I did not feel like I could labor and not gain something in the end (call me weak, but that was the best decision for me). I had been planning my whole pregnancy to do a natural birth, so to decide to do a medicated c-section was a very hard decision. Since I had ate breakfast, we had to wait until that evening to deliver. So began the waiting period in the hospital.

So many friends and family came to see us in the hospital. I am forever grateful to everyone who came. They helped us in our most vulnerable state, and I will never be able to repay them for the generosity they showed us. We had just moved so many of the people who came to see us in the hospital I had only known for a few months. Thank God for friends!!!

My doctor was not working that day, but bless her heart she came in to do the c-section!! I wanted to look with the ultrasound one more time before we went to surgery. I believe STRONGLY that God can do miracles. So I wanted to see if her heart had started beating. (I still felt like I could feel her move in my belly) Also to see if I could tell from the ultrasound if something was wrong. We looked nothing had changed. I still believed God could save our baby girl. The doctors and nurses said they would have a PEDS doctor on hand in case she ended up being alive. Knowing that, helped ease some of my anxiety because I fully believed God was going to do a miracle.

We went to the surgical suite. They gave me a spinal I think. Anyways weirdest thing ever. It made my whole lower body go completely numb. Also they put in a catheter. BEST THING OF MY LIFE!! I literally did not have to get up and go to the bathroom for a day or so because I had that thing. (Sorry if that is graphic, but seriously BEST THING EVER). Anyways.... I was on the bed pretty much convulsing, because I was so anxious about what was going to happen. The nurse had to hold me down. Luckily my husband was able to be in there with me which calmed me down a little bit. I could hear the doctors talking. They pulled Eleanor out and said "She looks just like mommy." I started bawling. I could not control it anymore. They told me that the cord was wrapped around her neck three times and around her arm and leg. She was born at 5:18 pm, 5 pounds 8 ounces, and 18 and a half inched long. A perfect baby.

The best part of that whole day was when the nurse placed Eleanor into my husbands arms. The most beautiful picture I have ever seen. Then they gave her to me. I was so nervous to hold her. I did not want to hurt her. I remember just bawling and looking at her and then at my husband. He leaned down and said can you believe we made her. No I could not believe it. Birth is such a miraculous thing. I mean yes it would have been even more miraculous if she was alive, but wow. Just looking at her was absolutely breathtaking. She had so much dark hair. I think that is why they thought she looked like me, but I think she looked like her daddy. She is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I could not believe that she was ours. She was all ours. We made her. I soaked in every moment I had to remember everything about her. The way she looked, the way she felt, the way she smelled. Her face was absolutely beautiful.

They had to stitch me up so my husband was able to take her. We got back to the room. Then began the most joyous and most heartbreaking days I will ever experience. We got to hold her and love on her. (It might sound weird to people to hold a dead baby. It did to me when they first were telling us that she could stay in the room with us, but that was the best thing in the world) Just getting to hold my baby girl. Seeing my husband being an amazing daddy to our baby. My most precious memory is when my husband took her from my arms to put her to "sleep". He kissed her goodnight and said he loved her. My heart melted at that moment.

The hardest part was letting her go. We had to leave her there at the hospital and say goodbye to her. Many more tears were shed, and they still are. We had a funeral for her that next week. I hardly remember it. I do remember so many people came to share in a life that never began on earth, but began in heaven. Again, my husband and I have the most amazing support group!! I will forever be thankful.

Even though Eleanor's birth story did not end the way that I wanted it to or thought it would, I am so grateful for the time that I did have with her. I will hold the memories that I have so very dear to my heart. There will be more posts about how I am dealing with her death. Trust me many more, because it is something that I have to work through every day. I just wanted to share with you my pride and joy. Someone I am so happy to call my daughter. I wanted to brag about her and share with you how beautiful she is.